50 Things James Potter Is Not Allowed To Do
by Marauders-And-Lily-I-Love
Summary: Lily writes a list of things that James is forbidden to do. 4 Sing 'I'm Too Sexy' whilst wearing a bright pink tutu and ballet shoes. 5 Sing 'I'm Too Sexy' whilst attempting to grope McGonagall. FOURTH ONESHOT POSTED :
1. Chapter 1

_**I rather enjoy writing these listy thingy-ma-bobs. :)  
Um, I know that this has been done many, many, many times before... but I was bored...**_

_**This is James/Lily! Hope you like it! Please, leave me a review!  
It'd make my day :D  
This is dedicated to RevengeoftheForsaken; you make me laugh like no one else :D :D :D  
**_

**50 Things James Potter Is Not Allowed To Do**

1) Pretend that Lily is his deodorant and attempt to rub her clothes all over himself.

2) Run around school naked with only a bouquet of Lilies covering his privates.

3 Tell the first years that Hagrid is an evil giant and that he will eat all of them up.

4) Sing 'I'm Too Sexy' whilst wearing a bright pink tutu and ballet shoes.

5) Sing 'I'm Too Sexy' whilst attempting to grope McGonagall.

6) Blow loud raspberries to drown out the voice of someone disagreeing with you...

7) ... and do not cease until they walk away in a strop.

8) 'Accidentally' turn Petunia into a horse when he is invited to Lily's house at Christmas.

9) Ruffle his hair when Lily is around.

10) Ruffle his hair when attempting to get out of trouble.

11) In fact, James Potter is not allowed to ruffle his hair at all. End of.

12) Tell Hagrid that Fang was eaten by Aragog.

13) Paint/draw faces on hundreds of grapes...

14) ... and then throw them at Sirius' supposedly evil army of pears.

15) Stroke his imaginary moustache when attempting to tell McGonagall why exactly he was found wanking in a broom cupboard.

16) Draw dirty images on Lily's and Remus' homework when they're asleep...

17) ... and then draw them on his own...

18) ... and then blame it on Sirius.

19) Reply with 'Huh?' when asked if deaf.

20) Change the password to the Slytherin Common room to 'Gryffindor Rules'.

21) Loudly tell the common room whenever Lily gets a new bra...

22) ... and then proceed to explain how it looks, the size, the colours and his opinion of it.

23) Make endless sexual innuendoes about broomsticks and balls.

24) Charm a thousand shampoo bottles to follow Snape around, throwing themselves as his head...

25) ... and then claim that a potted plant told him to do it.

26) Tell everyone that Snape is the illegitimate child of Professor Sprout and Professor Dumbledore...

27) ... and when asked about the blatant differences in the genes and looks, simply state 'glamour charms are extremely easy, you know'.

28) Burst into tears and run out the room wailing, 'Noooo, I broke a _nail_!' after picking up a fork.

29) Dress up as a pirate...

30) ... and then attempt to steal Gryffindor's sword...

31) ... and then kidnap Lily...

32) ...and then attempt to seduce her by making annoying innuendos about his massive 'sword'.

33) Attempt to slide down _all_ the banisters in Hogwarts.

34) Draw a twirly moustache on the face of the Fat Lady in permanent marker...

35) ... and then proceed to do the same to every other portrait in the castle.

36) Declare an official 'Seduce a Stag' day...

37) ... and then force Lily to take part.

38) Wear Lily's uniform and make up...

39) ... and then tell Dumbledore, whilst sobbing hysterically, that Filch is a pervert and that he made him dress up like this.

40) Claim to have had sex with Lily's hairband.

41) Claim to have had sex with Lily's wand.

42) Claim to have had sex with Lily's low fat milkshake.

43) Pour gravy on Sirius' cereal.

44) Wear Lily's underwear over his clothes and claim that it gives him super-powers.

45) Begin all sentences with 'Ooh la la!'.

46) Tie bells to all his clothes.

47) Repeat everything someone says, but as a question.

48) Start each meal by licking all his food and then announcing that he did this so that no one will 'swipe his grub'.

49) Routinely attach himself to furniture using handcuffs that only open if Lily has sex with him.

50) Wonder around the great hall, asking the other students for their carrots.

---------------------------------------------------------------

"Lily, you do this list every year! And he always ends up doing _everything _on the list!"

Lily shrugged at her best friend. "Yeah, well..."

"You know, if I didn't know you so well, I'd think that you enjoyed this whole thing..." Alice frowned, raising a perfectly shaped eyebrow questioningly.

"Hmmmm..." Lily averted her green eyes, staring down at the parchment in front her, a small smile forming on her lips as she looked over it.

"Lily!"

"What?" The redhead narrowed her eyes. Why couldn't Alice just- ugh... Stupid, annoying best friends...

"You _don't_ enjoy it do you?" Alice asked, slightly worried. _Yikes, I hope Lily's feeling okay._

"Well, now that we're Heads of the school together... he isn't actually _that _bad..." Lily replied grudgingly, trying not to laugh at the scandalised expression on Alice's face.

"Lily... B-but... that isn't the answer to my question!"

"No! Of course I don't enjoy it!" The redhead reassured Alice, rolling her eyes, flipping her red hair over her shoulders.

"...You sure?"

"Yeah. Don't worry. I mean, come on, this is _James Potter_!"

"Okay then. I thought something had gone wrong with you then." Alice sighed in relief and then grinned at her best friend. Whew. Lily _wasn't _going crazy then.

"Yeah... "

Alice looked down at the list, face turning thoughtful as her eyes flew across the parchment. There was something missing...

"Actually, I think you've forgotten one of the most important ones."

"What? I can't actually think of anything..." Lily frowned, also staring at the list, wondering what she could have possibly left out.

"Here give me the quill."

Before she could protest, Alice had plucked the quill out of Lily's limp hand and dipped it in the inkwell. With an endearing expression of concentration set into her face, she scrawled:

_51) Finally, James Potter must not, under any circumstances, ask Lily Evans out._

Looking up at Lily, she grinned, handing the quill back to her.

"No, Alice." Lily replied softly. She took the offered quill and crossed out what Alice had just written.

Her emerald eyes sparkled mysteriously as she said, "No, Alice, _this _thing- this thing James Potter is allowed to do."

**_So... What did you think of that?  
Did you like it?... I'm not actually as twisted as this fic makes me look... hehe... :)  
Which numbers were your favourite?  
I don't know if the list was funny enough... but there you go...  
Review?_**


	2. Number 2

**_Here is the first oneshot! Um, I will tell you which oneshots I am doing for this fic... when I find the list! :S So, I shall put it up in the next chapter, if that's okay. Sorrryyyy._**

**_I'm really ill right now :( Review? Cheer me up? :D :D_**

**_;)_**

**_Hope you enjoy it!_**

**_M x_**

**NUMBER 2: RUN AROUND SCHOOL NAKED WITH ONLY A BUNCH OF LILIES COVERING HIS PRIVATES:**

It's just a normal Monday morning, and I'm walking down the corridor that leads to the Transfiguration classroom. I feel great right now, my two best friends on either side of me, my hair is all light on my shoulders with that just-washed glow and Potter has not asked me out for two days. _Which is a record. _

"…So then," the girl on my right, Alice, is saying, "Frank goes down on one knee, and I swear I almost died and went to Heaven. It was the most amazing moment of my whole entire life." The other two of us, who are listening to the recounting of this momentous event, sigh dreamily for our best friend. I flip my hair over my shoulder, heaving another sigh as I wonder when _my_ perfect man will turn up.

"LILYKINS!"

You've got to be kidding me.

All three of us freeze in our tracks. Samantha, the other best friend, rolls her eyes, mouths a 'good luck' towards me, grabs Alice's hand and skips off further down the corridor. Leaving me to fend for myself.

Against James Potter.

Alone.

I hate my friends.

Shoulders slumping and mouth opening to shout at the idiot-that-should-just-go-and-die-in-a-hole, I whip around, only to be met with possibly the most horrifying sight that I has come before me since I accidentally (it _really was _an accident, I promise) turned Petunia into a green camel. Horrible, I know. But to be honest, I think she was better off like that.

Anyway, the revolting sight that is accosting me now is _worse._ Much, _much _worse than that.

And I never thought that that was even _possible_.

A naked James Potter.

Now, I know most of you are gasping and wondering what on earth is wrong with me. I mean, come on, why would a naked James Potter be a bad thing? Well, just let me describe what he looks like to me right now.

His hair is the usual mop of messy jet black hair (_although... _it _does _look really, _really _soft today…); his eyes are deep pools chocolate, unsurprisingly twinkling with mirth and mischief, framed by long dark lashes and his usual circular specs; a sheepish smile is playing at the corner of Potter's mouth. Now, as my eyes travel down his wiry neck, toned chest… and further down, I take back my previous statement.

A naked James Potter isn't a bad thing at all.

Not really.

But his looks are really the only thing that works for him.

My eyes are drawn gradually lower and lower until they reach his groin, where they freeze. My eyes widen, and my jaw drops. And no, it's not because of the size of certain parts of his anatomy, it is, rather, because of the _lack _of them!

He's covered himself up!

Can you blame me for the momentary flash of disappointment that I felt?

Can you?

And even worse, they're covered up with… are those _Lilies_?

Oh. Cringe.

"Potter!" I screech. "What on earth?!"

He blushes a tiny bit, and I am suddenly unbelievably grateful that no one is in the same corridor as us. They would all have a heart attack if they came face to face with Potter's back and arse. He shrugs. "I would give you the flowers… but as you can see, they're a little bit busy right now…" Winking at me, he slings an arm around my shoulders, holding the flowers in place with his free hand.

"Please tell me you're not going to Transfiguration like that." I hiss, injecting my voice with a dose of irritation, a spoonful of menace, and a thousand tablets containing multiple threats.

Potter nods affirmative. "As head girl, James Potter, I want you to go and put some clothes on _**now**_." I snap, pushing his arm off my shoulders. Merlin, we are so late for Transfiguration, it is not even _funny._

"As Head Boy, I counteract your command by demanding that I go into Transfiguration naked." He replies smugly, and I barely resist the overwhelming urge to slap him.

Seriously, and here I was thinking that since we were both heads of the school, we could actually get along.

As if.

"James Potter, I will never speak to you again if you do this." I warn, hand on the door to the classroom, just about to push it open.

"You've used that threat on me, many, many times before Lilykins. And they have _never _deterred me." Winking at me once again, he says one last thing. "Besides, it was _your _idea."

When I frown in confusion, he enlightens me, the sparkle in his eyes intensifying. "The List? 50 Things James Potter Is Not Allowed To Do? Remember?"

Shit.

Potter sees the realisation (and the horror) dawn in my eyes and smirks, "And Lily, honey, I've only _just_ _begun_."

Double shit.

* * *

"Hello Minnie!"

"JAMES POTTER! THE INDECENCY! WHERE IN MERLIN'S NAME ARE YOUR CLOTHES?"

**_I hope you liked it!_**

**_Review? :)_**


	3. Number 13 and 14

_**Oh nooo, sooo sorry for the long wait! :(**_

**_Ahem, I now have the list of fics that I will be doing for this story. *Clears throat and unrolls parchment ;)* And they are: Number 2, 13+14, 15, 16+17+18, 20, 23, 24+25, 29+30+31+32, 45, 49._**

**_I really hope you like this oneshot - remember to review :)_**

**_Hope you enjoy!_**

**

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****NUMBER 13 AND 14: PAINT/DRAW FACES ON HUNDREDS OF GRAPES... AND THEN THROW THEM AT SIRIUS' SUPPOSEDLY EVIL ARMY OF PEARS.**

"James, what _are _you doing?"

James Potter looked up from his fruit to see Remus Lupin, a best friend of his, staring at him as though he had just been dancing around the Great Hall naked. Which actually wouldn't be such a bad idea… Especially if Lily was around...

"I'm not doing anything." James replied, eyes widening into his 'Who, _me?_' expression as he put down the black marker he was using to draw on the poor fruit.

Remus raised an eyebrow, in other words warning James that if he didn't stop and tell him what he was planning to do _now_, he would lose his ability to make babies. Which of course, was a terrifying thought.

"Sirius is challenging me to a war." He muttered, refusing to say anything more about the matter.

"But why do you need _fruit_?" Remus asked, baffled.

"Because," James began in an annoyingly condescending tone, "it's a _fruit _war."

"Oh Merlin." Remus rolled his eyes. "You guys are such idiots."

"You love it."

"Hmphf."

-

When Sirius finally entered the Great Hall, a sly grin formed on James' face, stretching from ear to ear. Pushing the bench he was sitting on back slightly, he slid forward so that he was kneeling on the floor, with only the mop of messy jet black hair and his chocolate coloured eyes visible above the table. With the black marker, he quickly drew three dark, thick stripes on each cheek, face adopting an expression of determination.

Sirius sat down opposite the stag Animagus, slinging an arm around Remus' shoulder. "What's up with Ol' Jamie?" He asked, reaching out for a pear from the fruit bowl.

James' eyes narrowed. _Ah ha! He is unprepared! He hasn't even drawn __**faces **__on them. Muhahahahaha. I will win this war. _

"Hello, Black." He hissed, rising ever so slightly so that the tip of his straight nose was also visible above the table. His eyes were narrowed as a bony hand appeared over his plate of grapes. Plucking one from the bowl, he, very lightly and quickly at first, threw it at the young Black, cackling loudly when it bounced off of his nose. A sight, everyone had to agree, that was quite amusing.

"What the hell?" Sirius snapped, before suddenly looking down at his pear. _Ah. The promised fruit war. Damn, Sirius – you _must _be more prepared! You didn't even draw __**faces **__on them!_

Oh well.

Pulling his arm back with a mocking grin on his face, he flung the pear across the table, with much, much more force than James had used. "BULLS-EYE!" He screeched as the pear smashed smack-bang into James' laughing face, narrowly missing his glasses.

"SUCK ON _THAT!_" He giggled hysterically, pulling the bowl of fruit from the centre of the table towards himself, quickly digging out all of the pears he could find. James, seeing this, began to take out the grapes from his own breakfast bowl and began lining them up on the table in front of him, making sure to turn all the evil faces he had drawn them towards Sirius. _Look into their eyes... you will feel sleeeeepy. Muhahahahaha. My grapes have evil powers, Mssr Padfoot, and you will regret ever messing with ME! What do your **pears **do? Hmmmmm? Nothing? I thought so. _

Sirius, following James' example, also began lining the pears up in front of him, grinning. Come on, everyone knows that _grapes _are no match for _pears. _

Everyone, apart from James, that is.

By now, the entirety of the Great Hall was watching this spectacle, with most of the students chuckling. Dumbledore was currently placating the furious McGonagall – _You should be old enough to know __**not **__to play with your food!_

The whole room went silent as two war-cries echoed and bounced off of the walls, pupils and teachers watching as James flicked a single grape at the Black, only for his messy hair to be covered in the mushy insides of a pear after Sirius threw a member of his own army back in retaliation.

After all, grapes were _painful _little things.

"This means war, Black." James hissed.

"Excellent." Sirius drawled.

The two boys rose slowly from their seats, each plucking one member from their fruity army.

And then, chaos reigned.

"Take _that_!"

"Hahahaha, right in the FACE!"

"Die! Die! Kill him my darling grapes!"

"No, Pears, march, march, march, anddddddddddd FIRE!"

"BANG!"

"KILL HIM."

"Arghhh! Not the HAIR!"

"_**SHUT UP**_!"

And then, silence reigned.

Everyone turned to stare at Remus, who was currently breathing heavily with his hands over his ears. "I think we all know that Sirius is going to win, because pears are so much bigger than grapes. So can you either just stop doing this or finish this bloody war quietly - because you are _killing _my ears!"

After a split-second pause, the two boys chorused, "Sorry, Moony...". They both knew that Remus' ears were very sensitive, especially at this time of the month. "We'll finish it quietly then." They added, attempting to compromise with the young werewolf.

Rolling his eyes, Remus nodded his assent, before picking a grape from his hair and getting up to leave the hall. He really couldn't be bothered to stick around, to be completely honest.

The war continued, albeit, this time in whispers, leaving McGonagall shocked – how had Remus got them to listen to him so quickly and easily? They _never _listened to the teachers, for goodness sake!

"Sucker!"

"Kill him, pears, kill him!"

"Stain his hair, grapes, stain it!"

"Nooooo!"

-

Well, guess who won.

It was Sirius.

Surprised?

Yeah, neither were the spectators of this _'War of the Fruit Armies'. _

He won for a few simple reasons; his pears were bigger and he was also slightly stronger because of his position as Beater on the Gryffindor Quidditch Team. However, James had made a formidable opponent, his speed and reflexes making certain that he was hit as few times as possible.

In the end though, it didn't matter, because both were distracted by the prospect of Remus' new, super-strong army.

Of bananas.

But that war, of course, is a different story.

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**_Hope you liked that!_**

**_Remember to review! :) _****_The first reviewer of this chappie gets to request a story :D_**

**_M x_**


	4. Number 15

**_Here's the next oneshot. _**

**_I tried to keep it in character. _**

**_I really did. _**

**_But I was just having too much fun with it :P_**

**_Hopefully, it isn't that bad, and I hope you like it._**

**_Reviewwwww? :)_**

* * *

**NUMBER 15: STROKE HIS IMAGINARY BEARD WHEN ATTEMPTING TO EXPLAIN TO MINNIE AS TO WHY HE WAS WANKING IN A BROOM CUPBOARD.**

**_McGonagall's PoV:_**

You know, I think one day, I'm actually going to _kill _the Marauders. I swear, those four boys have a kind of sick pleasure in watching me gape, yell and scream after the newest prank of theirs.

And, okay, I _do _find them amusing, _sometimes_. Mostly when it's Lupin who's doing the prank, because during those ones, even the victims enjoy it. That's how I can mostly tell as to who needs to be told off for a particular prank and usually I just issue them the usual week of detention and then take points from Gryffindor.

So yes, I just admitted that sometimes I _do _find amusement in their pranks. But no one else must know this. It would ruin my image of strict deputy head and I'd also have Dumbledore's 'I-always-knew-you-enjoyed-their-pranks' expression in my face. Which was _not _going to happen.

Sometimes though, the Marauders just go _too _far.

I was just walking down the corridor, on my usual nightly patrol of the school. And as I went past the third broom cupboard on the fifth floor, I happened to hear something rather disturbing.

Groans.

_Long_, _guttural_ groans that seemed to seep out of the cracks in the doors of the closet and attack my ear drums.

I really didn't want to know what he/she/they were doing in there. Really.

I stopped, a frown creasing my brow. _It has to be a Marauder, _was my immediate assumption, and to no surprise, I was right.

I rapped on the door sharply with knuckles, smiling triumphantly when the groaning stopped almost instantly. However, when that door opened, my mouth pursed into a thin white line and I could almost feel the steam shooting out of my ears in my fury.

James Potter.

Half-naked.

And, ahem, with a slight problem.

He gasped when he saw me (I had shielded my eyes the moment he had clambered out, knowing that there was definitely going to be something that I _did not want to see_), quickly stepping back into the shadows and there was a rustle of cloth during which I assume he pulled his underwear on.

I took a deep, calming breath. "Mr Potter." I snapped, mentally grinning gleefully at the trapped-animal sound that escaped his throat. I lowered my hand from my eyes and directed my patented, terrifying glare towards him, glad to see him gulp nervously.

"Come with me." I ordered, my back poker straight and heals clicking loudly on the hard floor as I marched the young man back to my office.

When we finally arrived, I gestured for him to sit on the chair in front of my desk. During the walk, he seemed to have recovered slightly and was now sporting a carefree, lopsided grin.

"Mr Potter." I started, relatively calmly to the horror and anger that was bubbling up inside my throat. "Just what were you doing?"

I honestly thought it would be safe to ask this question; I mean, surely he wouldn't reply with the truth, especially considering that what he was doing was rather inappropriate and that it would be incredibly embarrassing for him to admit to such a thing.

I was wrong.

"Well, Ma'am. I was wanking. Couldn't you tell?" He cocked his head to the side, his eyes widening beneath his glasses into his '_I'm the epitome of innocence'_ look. I must admit, I was stumped. I hadn't been expecting such an answer, as well as how he answered the question so bluntly and without hesitation.

What on earth was I supposed to do now?

Ahem.

Right.

"Surely, Mr Potter," I began in clipped tones, eyes narrowing into mere slits, "you should know that these kinds of… activities should only be practiced in the privacy of your dormitories."

Potter shrugged, eyes glinting with amusement and mirth. Great. No matter what I said, he would probably just stare at me with that look on his face and even though I would give him a detention or two and dock some house points, he. Would. N**ot. **Care.

Super.

_Now _what do I do?

I cleared my throat. "So why did you find it necessary to do this activity in a _broom cupboard_?"

Potter looked at me contemplatively, before he moved his fingers to his face and began stroking his chin and slouching slightly on the seat, so that his limbs were sprawled all over the place. Oh, dear Merlin, what am I to do with this idiot?

Still stroking what I assume to be his imaginary beard (Merlin, just how disturbed is this boy?!) Potter said, "Because, I was bored and pretty damn horny – I needed some excitement. A thrill, you know?" And then he proceeded to mutter something about a list. Hmm.

However, I really didn't register the comment about the list until later. I'm afraid to say that I may have lost my temper just a tad.

Just a little bit though.

I swear.

"Potter! I have had enough of you! WHAT YOU DID TODAY WAS BEYOND INAPPROPRIATE AND DISGUSTING! YOU WERE OUT OF YOUR DORM AFTER CURFEW AND – DO NOT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT MR POTTER. You will NOT get away with this." By the time I had finished that mini tirade of mine, I was breathing heavily, my nostrils flaring in anger. "You will have detention for the next week in my office straight after dinner, and 20 points will be taken away from Gryffindor."

Potter shrugged. He actually _shrugged._

Why that little-

Oh, I think he saw how angry that simple motion made me, and soon began to apologise profusely, lips twitching all the way, but I knew that was probably all I could get out of him.

"Get. Out. Of. My. Sight." I ordered, my voice eerily calm and eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Yes, Professor." He was still, I noticed, stroking his chin! He walked out of my office confidently, looking as though he couldn't care less about this whole situation. I was almost convinced to follow him, just to make sure he didn't make a detour back into that blasted broom cupboard.

As he strutted out of my classroom (I know! The _nerve_! How dare he _strut _out of my classroom?!), I heard a small mutter.

"Maybe I should shave the beard off. Minnie kept looking at it as though it didn't suit me. But my friends said it looked good. Well, my friends are liars. Hmphf."

I couldn't help it.

*Facepalm*

* * *

**_I hope you likeeee :)_**

**_Review?_**

**_M x_**


	5. Number 16, 17 and 18

**I have absolutely no excuse for my lateness - I was looking at my stories today, just to see if I had any WIP stories I needed to finish before I started any new ones and I saw this! I am so ashameed! I completely forgot about this! FORGIVE MEEEEEEEE! I don't even know if this is up to standard - I haven't written in so long! Ah, well I hope you like and I am sooooo sorry for the late update - Real Life has been sucking all the energy out of me ugh!**

**Please reviewwwwwwww! :D x**

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**_Number 16, 17 and 18: Draw dirty images on Lily's and Remus' homework when they're asleep...and then draw them on his own... and then blame it on Sirius_**.

James giggled. Tiptoeing down into the common room, the messy haired seventh year had to clamp a hand over his mouth as he approached the haphazardly arranged bags of his best friends and (hopefully-soon-to-be) girlfriend. Cackling to himself, James reached into his pocket and brought out a black permanent marker (that he had totally _not _stolen from Moony). He sat at a desk, and all that was heard for a while was the squeaking of the pen and the rustling of parchment (as well as the occasional burst of muffled hysterical laughter from our resident stag animagus).

Ahhhh, tomorrow was going to be a _good _day.

* * *

"Right, Longbottom, if you could please collect in the homework assignments, thank you." McGonagall glanced around the room as her student went around the class, noting who gave it in and who gave her shifty looks and attempted to hide under the table for fear of her wrath.

"Mr Lupin?" the professor questioned, surprised at the utter look of mingled terror and rage etched on his face as he furiously refused to give his parchment to Frank. "Is there a problem?"

Immediately, McGonagall glanced at Potter and Black, knowing without a doubt that whatever had happened to poor Remus was their fault. As usual.

"Professor, could I please have an extension to do the essay? It's just, I know that this version isn't… up to my usual standard…" the werewolf implored, shooting Sirius Black a small but fierce glare.

Behind them, and totally unexpectedly, Lily Evans raised her hand, emerald eyes boring holes into the back of James Potter's messy head. "Professor? I'd like to know if I could do the same thing as Remus?"

_Definitely _Potter and Black.

"Me too, professor," piped up James, looking a tad distraught (damn, the transfiguration teacher couldn't even tell whether it was an act or not!). "Someone's _ruined _my essay…"

McGonagall blinked.

Huh?

Wasn't James supposed to be the guilty one here?

"And what exactly has happened to your essays?" McGonagall snapped suspiciously, eyes narrowing into slits.

When Remus and Lily blushed, James attempted to stop his lips from twitching and Sirius looked around completely baffled, McGonagall's patience cracked. Brandishing her wand, within the blink of an eye, she had summoned the offending pieces of parchment into her arms.

Remus' head fell onto the desk with a loud thump and a pained groan; Lily clapped her hands over her face, trying desperately not to transfigure her quill into a knife and stab it into James repeatedly until he begged for mercy. _Why __did __she __have __to __write __that __bloody __list, __for __Merlin__'__s __sake?_

Only when the rest of the class were staring at James expectantly did he realise that it was his cue. Laughing inside, James burst into loud sobs, shooting a few baleful glares Sirius' way.

"How could you do this to us, Padfoot?"

To say Sirius was confused was an understatement. And poor Lily couldn't even assure everyone that the culprit of this heinous business was actually bloody Potter, because then McGonagall would find out about the list! – and Lily was pretty sure that unleashing and _encouraging _a prankster James Potter upon the unsuspecting school was a _huge _breach of her Head Girl duties.

McGonagall had to sit down after just _one _glance at her students' homework. Did she normally feel this lightheaded after a Marauder prank? She looked down at the parchment again, - _oh __dear __Merlin, __please __tell __me __this __is __just __a __horrible, __horrible __nightmare__ – _fighting the urge to projectile vomit on everyone – most especially the Marauders.

There were so many stick figures. Everywhere. _Doing _things. _Unmentionable _things. Merlin, they were _**animated**_! A few of the more… _adventurous _scenarios caught her eye – bloody hell, was that even _possible_? Could people even bend that way?

"BLACK!"

She was _so _proud of the way she made the young man jolt out of his chair in utter horror and fear. Oh, how McGonagall _loved _being terrifying.

"What is this NONSENSE?" the professor barked, lips thinning into one straight line and eyes slitting.

"I have no idea, Minnie, honestly!" Sirius replied, looking genuinely frazzled – what the _hell _was he being blamed for exactly? And why on earth did Remus keep glaring at him!

_Did. He. Just. Call. Me. Minnie?_

Fighting down the scream of rage that was bubbling up in her throat, McGonagall growled, "Detention with me for _three __months_, Black! And _fifty _points from Gyffindor for inappropriately _vandalising _your classmates' homework with _obscene _and _vulgar _images!"

The entire class was deathly silent.

"Class dismissed!" McGonagall finally broke the silence to announce waspishly, before taking a deep breath and sweeping out the room.

Merlin, she needed some caffeine.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Lily and James were the only two people left in the classroom.

Lily glared.

James gulped.

Lily snarled, inching closer like a predator stalking her prey.

James... was so _dead_.

* * *

**Please reviewwww!**

**Hope you liked it! **

**M x**


	6. Number 20

**Hi guys! Right apologies for this being so late but currently working up towards exams and have obviously had to focus on them :P BUT this was a relatively quick chappie! So hope you enjoy it :) **

**Also, I'm on Pottermore now woo :D Add me: ScarletMirror9593 :) I'm a Slytherin woo :D means I can sneak into Draco's dorm ;) yummy :D ANYWAY - reviewww :) love allll my reviewersss! **

* * *

**_BOLD AND ITALIC WRITING_ - **Slytherin's are speaking

NORMAL WRITING - James or Remus speaking

* * *

**NUMBER 20: CHANGE THE PASSWORD TO THE SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM TO 'GRYFFINDOR RULES':**

"James, I'm going to kill you."

"Moony, must you whisper like that? You sound like a murderer or something."

"Yes, James, that's because I'm going to kill you."

"No, Moony look! The slimy snakes are _crying_!"

**_"I'M NOT CRYING, AVERY! THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY EYE!"_**

"Hehehehe, Snape's finally cracked… Teehee, I just said 'crack'!"

"Prongs, please stop giggling – you remind me of that little first year Sirius accidentally trod on."

"Hehehehehe crack… wait, Sirius stood on a first year?"

"Yup. She just giggled at him and ran off screaming '_Ahhhh Sirius Black just stood on me! I'm never bathing again!_'."

"Why don't firsties say that about me?"

**"_PUREBLOOD, DAMMIT, PUREBLOOD_! _OPEN YOU STUPID WALL._"**

"'Cos you stink and your feet are _huge_."

"You calling me fat _and _smelly?"

**_"I BET IT WAS POTTER!"_**

"Yes, you numbskull. Now, will you please stop elbowing me?... Are you trying to smell your armpit?"

**_"POTTER? OH THAT BLOOD TRAITOR WILL BE SORRY FOR THIS!"_**

"Sorry! I'm just checking – I want to step on a first year now and I don't wanna be stinky for it."

"James? _Oh dear Merlin, **put your arm down NOW**_!"

**_"Salazar, what is that smell?"_**

"Prongs, they're gonna catch us! Your stench is leading them right to us!"

"Fine, arm down. Happy?"

"Well, yeah, now that I can _breathe _again."

**_"I BET IT WAS POTTER!"_**

"Why's Snape so obsessed with me?"

**_"Why are you so obsessed with him?"_**

"Forget that, how does he know what your armpit smells like?"

"Ew, Moony, you better not be implying what I think you are!"

"Oh, that was good use of your Word of the Day. Bravo Prongsie!"

"Aww, thanks Moonykins."

**_"You there, blond firstie with the pimples, go and check that broom cupboard over there."_**

*Gasp*

*Gasp*

"RUN!"

"GRYFFINDOR RULES! GRYFFINDOR RULES!"

"RUN, YOU IDIOT!"

"Wait, Moony! It's a firstie! I MUST STEP ON HIM!... Ow, Moony, MY HAIR! Stop pulling me! OUCH!"

"Move it!"

"Ooh, I love it when you take control like that, Moons."

**_"POTTER!"_**

"GRYFFINDOR RULES!"

"Bye Slytherins, your broom cupboard is truly pleasant– very hospitable – but alas, we must dash. Things to do, people to see! Ta-ta!"

**_"LUPIN!"_**

"Bye!"

"GRYFFINDOR RULES!"

*Remus and James run for their lives* ("Stay _away _from that first year James!")

**_"All that, and we still don't know the bloody password."_**

**_"Erm, excuse me?"_**

**_"You are a first year. Do not talk to me."_**

**_"Gryffindor rules."_**

**_"HOW DARE YOU-?"_**

**_*wall slides open*_**

**_"…Hmm, not bad for a first year."_**

**_"Shut up or I'll stick my wand so far up your ass that you wouldn't even be able to 'accio' it out."_**

**_*Pimply blond first year marches into common room*_**

**_"..."_**

**_"I don't think he likes you, Snape."_**

**_"Grrr. It's all Potter's fault."_**

* * *

**Reviewwww my lovliesss :D and add me on Pottermore - ScarletMirror9593! I WANT FRIENDS :D sorrry, as you can maybe tell, I'm just a LITTLE bit hyper today :D **

**M x**


	7. READ THIS IMPORTANT

Hi everyone!

Right, first off, I know it's been a ridiculously long time since I last updated anything! I'm so so so sorry but I've been so busy with RL.

So, I've decided to make this easier - I'm now on tumblr (maraudersandlilyilove)! I'll be using that to update you guys, upload random drabbles and snippets of fics I don't wanna expand on, maybe try my hand at graphics as well throwing in some of my own fanart!

Everything will be way easier to manage, imo.

Search me and follow me guys!

Cos I'm planning on returning to all my fics and writing new ones - I find myself suddenly having a lot more free time!

my tumblr is: **_maraudersandlilyilove_**

**__**Talk to you all on there!

M x


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